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Script This page is a transcript for the Season One episode Advanced Criminal Law.




Episode Transcript[]

Cold Open[]

ACL Chang presents to the class the crib sheet   

Summary: The Dean announces an upcoming event at the school. Jeff and Duncan discuss Britta meanwhile Troy is messing with Abed. In the class Chang tells the students that somebody has cheated.



·  2

Cold Open, Scene 1[]


Featuring: Dean Pelton, Jeff Winger, Abed Nadir, and Ian Duncan
Setting: Halls of Greendale.

Dean Pelton: Good morning Greendale Community College. This is your Dean, remind you that among your school's prestigious alumni is Mr. Luis Guzman, celebrated actor and model puerto-rican american. This Friday we will be dedicating a statue of Guzman and unveiling our brand new school song so boy, I don't know about you but this sure feels like a real college to me.

(The Dean plays a sound effect through a stereo into the PA system)

Duncan: Ah, Jeff! Jeff! Good morning, how is student life my dry-witted friend?

Jeff: Well probably the same as teacher life but less Tragic because I get to leave.

Duncan: Very dry, very witty, not a great friend. Listen, I wanted to ask you about that young lady in your Spanish class. You know, the blonde with the pouty, strident, Cate Blanchett sexuality and the ridiculous name?

Jeff: Britta.

Duncan: That's it, that's it. Imagine living with that. Can you imagine? Unbelievable. Anyway, are you two an item? And if so, would that item be impervious to sabotage?

Jeff: You know, you have the savoir-faire of a Hyena. How is that you and James Bond come from the same Island?

Duncan: Message received. I'll just wait for you to finish striking out first. Cheers!

(Abed walks by.)

Abed: M*A*S*H

Duncan: Fawlty Towers, game over. Have a nice day.

Cold Open, Scene 2[]


Featuring: Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes, Britta Perry, Jeff Winger, Ben Chang, Star-Burns, and Shirley Bennett
Setting: Spanish Classroom

Abed: You think Luiz Guzman will ever come to visit his statue? If so, I'd like to ask him about his movie choices. Particularly, Carlito's Way, The Cowboy Way, The Hard Way and Q&A.

Troy: Yeah, Luiz Guzman is on a private jet from Hollywood because he can't wait to have that conversation with you.

Abed: Really? How does he know about me?

Troy: Because he called me on my cell-phone

Abed: Why would a movie actor call you?

Troy: You don't know?

Abed: No.

Troy: I'm President Obama's nephew.

Abed: You never mentioned that.

Troy: I didn't know if I could trust you, but now it's time to tell you everything. Starting with me inventing the Ferrari.

((Cut to Jeff sitting down near Britta))

Jeff: So I guess the cell-phone number you put on the study group's contact sheet was fake. Which I just learned in the awkward conclusion of a month-long text-message affair with a dude from Boulder.

Britta: Sorry.

Jeff: That's okay. Just give me your real number, I'll cleanse my palate while Kevin rethinks his marriage.

Britta: I'll give you my number, if you promise not to use it in any other context than friendship.

Jeff: Uh - Pass.

Chang: (Speaking in Spanish) Silence, please.

Chang: Star-Burns, that means you.

Star-Burns: My name's Alex dude.

Chang: Well maybe you should spend five hours sculpting that into your face. Alright, last night I graded your tests. I'm sure you want to know how you did right? Well I'm not gonna tell you, until I found out who did this

Shirley: What is that?

Chang: It's a tiny piece of paper, okay? That's all it is. Tiny piece of paper - containing all the information covered on the test. Otherwise known as a crib sheet. Who did it huh? Mary Ann (looks at Annie)? Grandpa (looks at Pierce)? Jackie (looks at Shirley)? Kumar (looks at Abed)? There's one Asian stereotype that does apply to me. Whoever did this insulted my honour. And they've got 24 hours to come forward or Mr. Miyagi here will wax-off everyone's score and the whole class gets a zero. Except you, Toby (rubs paper on student we've never seen)