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Episode transcript[]

Scene 1[]

(Fade in. Pan up to Troy Barnes and Abed Nadir, working on a diorama.)

Troy: Does anyone know how long it takes papier-mâché to dry?

Jeff: Three hours longer than it took Duncan to think up this assignment.

Annie: I think he's really going to appreciate the extra work we did expanding our evolutionary chart. Oh, Britta, can you hold up the final stage of humanity?

(Annie takes a picture of Britta holding the model.)

Britta: I still think that man is going to evolve into woman. Not a dragon monster with three legs.

Pierce: Three legs?

(Jeff stands up.)

Jeff: Well, it's been real. At least the paste smell has. But I have a date to catch. Or should I say, a catch to date.

Britta: Oof, I hope you just came up with that.

Dean Pelton: Look out, drive-by deaning!

(Dean Pelton pauses in the doorway to the study room, holding a white puppy in his arms.)

Dean Pelton: Ha-ha, just kidding. Just a non-violent, verbal reminder. The local shelter is having a Puppy Parade this afternoon.

(Annie and Britta make "aww" noises at the same time.)

Troy: Aw, I wanna lick it.

Dean Pelton: I expect all of you to lend a paw. Heh-heh.

(Pelton starts to walk away, then backtracks.)

Except you, Jeffrey, I know you've got a catch to date.

(Pelton waves goodbye and walks away. Britta looks up at Jeff.)

Jeff: Oh, like you're famous for your wit.

Abed: Puppy Parade?

Troy: I am in.

(Troy and Abed do their handshake.)

Troy: I want to see if those wiener dogs are born that way, or if they start off normal and then get wiener.

Annie: Abed, did you pick up my pen? It's a purple pen with a gel grip?

Abed: Nope. I'm strictly mechanical pencils these days.

Pierce: More relatable?

Annie: It was just here.

Abed: You okay, Annie? Chocolate?

(Annie accepts the chocolate.)

Shirley: Would you like me to push you to the parade, Pierce?

Pierce: Oh, no thanks, I don't want people to think of me as a handicap. If anything, this chair makes me more than human.

(Pierce leans forward and blows into a small white tube attached to the chair, which makes the chair begin to move.)

You move it by blowing into this tube here. It's the most expensive one.

(He takes out a handkerchief and cleans off the tube.)

I outbid three hospitals for this baby, and it was worth every penny.

(He briefly blows on it, to finish cleaning it, and the chair starts moving backwards on accident. He tries and fails to make it stop multiple times. The rest of the group, minus Annie, starts to turn and walk out of the room, leaving him to his fate.)

Annie: Wait. Please, just wait. I'm sorry, but I need to know who took my pen.

(The group makes searching motions, indicating they don't have the pen.)

Britta: Uh... sorry, I don't see it.

Jeff: Yeah. Sorry, Annie.

(The group starts to walk out again, but turns back around once more when Annie speaks again.)

Annie: No! Not 'Sorry, Annie'. We passed 'Sorry, Annie' eight pens ago. I keep bringing pens, and you guys keep taking them, and I'm afraid I'm putting my foot down.

Shirley: Okay. Well, now Annie has made it clear that this is an issue, so from now on, we need to be more respectful of her things, okay? Okay.

Abed: Cool.

(Again, everyone begins to leave.)

(Annie opens her mouth, and starts to scream, whipping her head back and forth. The whole group stops immediately, turning around with looks of alarm on their faces.)

(Intro music plays.)

Scene 2[]

(Cold open on a shot of the whole group scanning the floor and searching around the table for the pen.)

Jeff: Alright. It's not on the floor, so whoever accidentally took-

Annie: Not accidentally. Accidents don't just happen over and over and over again, okay, this isn't budget daycare.

Jeff: Okay, whoever insidiously and with great malice aforethought abducted Annie's pen, confess, repent, and relinquish so we can leave.

Troy: Maybe nobody took it. Sometimes I think I lost something really important to me, and it turns out I already ate it.

Annie: I didn't eat my pen, Troy. I know I brought it, and now it's gone.

(Annie gasps.)

I took a photo.

(She grabs her phone and taps through it.)

Aha. Aha! Zoom in. See? I took this ten minutes ago. My pen was on the table. No one has come in or out since. One of you has my pen right now.

(She sits down, crossing her arms.)

Jeff: Annie. It's a pen.

Annie: It's not a pen! It's a principle.

(Troy turns, reaching for his bag; Shirley, Annie, and Britta all gasp simultaneously. He stops reaching.)

Troy: Not a good time to get a stick of gum. Okay.

Abed: Are we going to the Puppy Parade or not? 'Cause this is starting to feel like a bottle episode.

Pierce: Again with the TV crap. Hey, meatball, did you take Annie's pen to make life more like Benny Hill, or whatever you do?

Annie: Abed?

Abed: I wouldn't do that. I hate bottle episodes. They're wall-to-wall facial expression and emotional nuance. I might as well sit in the corner with a bucket on my head.

Britta: Well I have a photography project to finish, and my grandmother's hands aren't going to take close-ups of themselves.

(Britta picks up her stuff and begins to leave.)

Hasta la later.

Annie: Hmph.

(Britta stops and turns back around.)

Britta: Was that "hmph" directed at me?

Annie: If the "hmph" fits.

Britta: I don't have your pen, Annie.

Annie: I'm always lending you supplies. You never come prepared.

Britta: If it's so important to you, here, have my pen.

Jeff: That's my pen.

Britta: Well, whatever, people, they're just things.

Annie: Since they're just things, I don't suppose you'd mind letting us take a quick look-see inside your bag?

Britta: Oh, I'd very much mind, Annie. There's no such thing as a quick invasion of civil liberties.

(The entire group groans.)

Pierce: Oh, man.

Britta: It all starts with a quick look-see into someone's bag, and then it's a brisk peek-a-roonie at our phone records, and before you can say 1984, the Thought Police are forcy-worcing you to bend and spread.

Jeff: Bend and spread? Are the Thought Police going to make love to us?

Troy: Do they find thoughts in our butts? I knew I should've read that book.

Annie: Britta, stop using the Constitution as a baby blanket. Last week, she invoked the Freedom of Information Act to request photocopies of my notes.

Jeff: Heh. That's pretty good.

Britta: Well excuse me for living free.

Pierce: Come on, stony, we all know the pen's in your bag.

Annie: Yeah, come on.

(Everyone makes various noises of agreement.)

Jeff: Yeah, come on, just drop it.

(Britta throws down her textbook and forcefully dumps the contents of her bag across the table. Annie leans forward to inspect the disarray.)

Britta: Happy?!

Jeff: Not if that's a used Q-tip.

(Everyone makes noises of disgust. Annie cringes away.)

Pierce: Gross.

Britta: Yes, gross. Welcome to the gross business of martial law. Welcome to what used to be individuality, seized and disintegrated by cowardly groupthink. Welcome, my friends, welcome to the machine!

Jeff: Well, Annie, it looks like you were wrong. Britta does come prepared for one thing.

(Jeff holds up a pack of condoms. Annie gasps.)

Or six. Big weekend?

Britta: Can't complain.

Pierce: Razzle pizazzle.

Dean Pelton (over PA): Attention, students. The Puppy Parade is starting on the quad. Better come quick. With every passing moment, these puppies grow older and less deserving of our attention.

(Once again, the group starts trying to pack up and walk out.)

Britta: Woah, woah, woah, where do you people think you're going?

Troy: Uh, have you ever gone to a Puppy Parade halfway through, Britta? It is pointless.

Britta: Then you clearly stole the pen. The Patriot Act cuts both ways.

Jeff: Actually, it's pretty one-sided. That's kind of the point.

Britta: Here's my point. Whoever the pen thief is just stood there and watched me get Guantanamo'ed, and I'd like to know who it is so I can let them know that they have lost my trust forever.

(Abed pulls out a chair and sits down.)

Abed: It's a bottle episode.

Shirley: Brit-ta, we're sorry we embarrassed you and looked at your prophylactic equipment, your lifestyle mistakes are none of our business.

Britta: Oh, thanks, Shirley, but now let's rustle through your tampons and wallet so we can apologize to you.

Shirley: I'm sure everybody here knows that I don't steal.

Annie: Have you checked your bag, Shirley? If you took it by mistake, I forgive you.

(Shirley coos.)

Britta: Oh, so if I took it, it's larceny, but if you find it under mother hen, it's a mistake.

Shirley: Mother hen? I think we about the same age.

Britta: Sure, unless time is linear.

Shirley: I'll make your ass linear.

Britta: That doesn't make any sense.

Shirley: I'll make your ass sense.

Pierce: Girls, don't get your panties puckered. We all know what we're really thinking. If, and I mean if, the culprit is among us, statistically speaking, it's Troy.

Jeff: Yes, we were all just thinking that, in 1856.

Troy: 1856? What if a ghost took the pen?

Shirley: Please forgive him.

Troy: For what?

Pierce: For stealing the pen, dummy.

Troy: Why would I take her pen? I don't even like having my own. It's probably under one of Pierce's casts, he uses everything to itch his legs. We're on our third DVD remote.

Pierce: If I took the pen, I'd say so.

Troy: You probably forgot. You've been popping pain killers like tic tacs.

Pierce: Oh, yeah right.

(Pierce takes the medicine bottle out of his pocket and inspects the label.)

"Side effects: verbal dysphasia and octopus loss." I don't see anything in this squirrel about memory, Troy.

Shirley: Now I wanna know who has it.

Annie: Nice try, Shirley, that doesn't take you off the list. Jeff, you're in charge. I demand you deal with this.

Jeff: There's nothing to deal with.

Abed: I'll say.

Jeff: Okay. Alright, alright. Everyone, breathe.

(Everyone takes in a deep breath.)

Jeff: You know what this is?

Abed: Yep.

Jeff: Shut up. This is a normal day, with a group of friends who are done studying, and a pen that maybe rolled away.

Annie: Rolled away?!

Jeff: Or fell down someone's shoe.

Annie: Let's check shoes.

Jeff: ANNIE.

(Brief pause where Jeff visibly struggles to remain calm.)

Fine. Fine. Someone in this room is hiding your pen. Wanna know why? They feel terrible. They made a mistake. They waited too long to come forward, and now they feel bad.

Britta: They should.

Annie: Mm-hm.

Jeff: Okay, okay. So, pen thief, we understand what happened, and we forgive you.

Annie: -If you confess and apologize.

Jeff: Right. But here's the trick. Because this person now has no reason not to come forward, if by some chance I get to the count of three, and nobody comes forward, guess what. We just have to accept that no one has the pen, don't we.

(Everyone makes vague sounds of discontent.)

Jeff: Don't we.

(Slightly more agreeable sounds of discontent.)

Jeff: Good. So here we go.

One.

Two.

(Pierce raises his hand. Everyone gasps.)

Jeff: Pierce. You have something to tell us?

Pierce: Yes. Is it me, or has it become really obvious that Jeff took the pen?

(Everyone immediately turns their suspicions on Jeff.)

Shirley: Yes.

Britta: Yeah.

Abed: Definitely could be.

Jeff: You wanna make a bet, you jerks? Lockdown. Abed, seal the doors.

(Abed gets up to close one pair of doors while Jeff locks the others, shutting the blinds.)

Nobody leaves until this pen shows up.

Abed: I don't like this.

Jeff: Yeah, tell it to the pen you might have.

(Jeff flips open his phone, dials a number, and holds it to his ear.)

Gwynnifer, hi. Yeah, it's me. I can't make it. Well, tell your disappointment to suck it, I'm doing a bottle episode.

(He tosses his phone away.)

Scene 3[]

(Cold open. The room has been rearranged, with Jeff and Annie behind one table and everyone else scattered around the room. Troy drops his bag on the table in front of Jeff. Jeff rifles through Troy's bag and pulls out only a single pillow.)

Jeff: Okay. You just became my hero.

Troy: Thank you.

(Troy takes his bag back and walks away.)

Jeff: No pen.

Annie: I can see that. Why do you keep taking that tone with me?

Britta: Oh, I'll field that. Because if nobody else has this pen, it means at some point you realized you had it and were too embarrassed to say, and we get to kill you.

Annie: I'm not hiding my own pen, you paranoid weirdo. Everybody stay within each other's eyelines, please, one of you is a monster.

Abed: Me next, right?

(Abed moves to hand his bag to Jeff.)

Britta: Hold on. Can we please consider the threshold that we are crossing? We don't trust Abed?

Annie: He shredded my backpack.

Troy: He freed my pet monkey.

Britta: Because we corrupted him. He's our innocent.

Jeff: He put gum in your hair.

Britta: Empty the bag, Abed.

Shirley: Pierce, you don't have a bag?

Pierce: Giraffe.

Shirley: Uh, Jeff, you don't have a bag?

Jeff: Oh, I could never deprive the world of the portion of my chest the strap would cover.

Abed: Makes sense. So what's left, Shirley? A little hugging and crying, and then we're done?

(Britta is flipping through one of Abed's notebooks.)

Britta: Wait, Abed... why is my name in here?

Abed: That's mine.

Britta: And Shirley's, and Annie's.

Annie: What is it?

Britta: Charts, some kind of calendar...?

Abed: That's my personal private business.

(Britta smacks his hand away.)

Britta: "Annie, 4 on, 28 off, next November 10th. Britta, 5 on, 27 off-" Oh my God, are you charting our menstrual cycles?

Annie: What? Gross!

Shirley: Abed, this is so personal. And so accurate.

Annie: Abed, this is really creepy, I don't understand why you would do this.

Abed: I can explain.

(Pause; the three women stare expectantly at him.)

Abed: Oh, I thought you'd keep yelling over me. Okay I can explain. You know I have trouble reading people, and I say the wrong things sometimes, and I noticed it was happening more often with you three than it was with the others. And then I noticed fluctuating patterns, and I started graphing them. By the time I realized what I was actually measuring, it had started to yield really positive results for everybody, so I kept doing it.

Annie: Were you ever going to tell us about this? I feel so violated.

(When Annie lets out a tearful sob, Abed hands her a napkin. She dabs her eyes with it.)

Annie: Thanks.

Abed: More chocolate?

(Annie accepts the chocolate, then realizes what Abed is doing and flings it away from her with a cry of outrage.)

Annie: Get away from me!

Pierce: Abed just became my hero.

(Pierce gestures at Abed's notebook.)

Can I have a little-?

Annie, Britta, and Shirley: NO!

Pierce: Sheesh. Guess it's true what they say about the sync up.

Abed: Okay, if I could just take this time to share a few words of sarcasm with whoever it is that took this pen. I want to say thank you for doing this to me. For a while I thought I'd have to suffer through a Puppy Parade, but I much prefer being entombed alive in a mausoleum of feelings I can neither understand nor reciprocate. So, whoever you are, can I get you anything? Ice cream? Best friend medal? Mm-mm? Okay, sarcasm over. You're last up, Shirley. Dump your comedically huge bag and end this.

Shirley: Uh... N-No thank you.

Annie: Well, well, well, Harvey Keitel.

Troy: Well, what do you know, Henry David Thoreau.

Britta: My, oh my, Mike Ty... son.

Just empty the bag.

Shirley: No, I don't have Annie's pen. I'm simply a Christian woman that doesn't open her bag.

Jeff: What did the Christian woman think would happen when we got to her bag?

Shirley: The Christian woman thought you'd find it on the Muslim.

Britta: Real nice.

Shirley: Nicer than you, condom-carrier.

Annie: Dump the bag or you're guilty.

Shirley: No!

(Pierce abruptly starts yelling and clutching at his leg. Shirley jumps up and rushes over to him.)

Shirley: Oh, Lord, he's thrown a clot! Pierce! Call 911!

(Pierce grabs Shirley's bag once she's in range and tosses it to Troy, who passes it to Jeff.)

Shirley: No! No!

Annie: Pierce, you didn't need to do that.

Pierce: Yes I did. All you guys do is talk, leaving me to do the things you won't do. People like you are the reason we took so long to get into Vietnam!

(Britta takes a pregnancy test out of Shirley's bag.)

Britta: Is this what you were trying to hide, Shirley? A pregnancy test?

Jeff: And more importantly, are they seriously marketing pregnancy tests to black women?

Annie: Guys, this is a terribly childish way to handle this kind of situation.

(She walks over to Shirley.)

Does this mean you have a new boyfriend? Who? Who? Who?

Shirley: Not that it's, uh, anyone's business, I recently reconnected with my husband over Labor Day. It seems the Lord may have a plan for us that doesn't include that stripper slut he ran away with.

Abed: You're not pregnant, Shirley. It's impossible.

Shirley: Why does everybody think I'm old? I'm around Jeff's age! I have a uterus!

Abed: No, no. According to my charts, you couldn't have conceived Labor Day weekend. You would've been ovulating on Halloween.

(Cut to a shot of Troy looking horrified.)

Which is just as well, because if you're going to have a pregnant woman in one of these, I say go elevator labor or go home.

Shirley: Halloween? Well... that's that, then.

Britta: Yeah, what a relief. Looks like someone narrowly avoided a lifestyle mistake of their own. Oh, or is it only bad if you sleep with unmarried men?

Shirley: The Bible doesn't recognize divorce, Britta, when you marry a man, he's your man!

Britta: Yeah, and after he marries someone else, if you jump into the sack with him, you're an angel, so long as you don't use protection?

Shirley: I'm so glad you're enjoying this. And I hope whoever stole that pen enjoys it in hell!

(Shirley moves to leave, but Pierce blocks her.)

Pierce: Nice try, Stephen Fry.

Britta: Stephen Fry!

Pierce: We all have an agreement. No one leaves till we find it.

(Suddenly, Jeff gets to his feet, throwing his chair backwards.)

Jeff: Here we go.

(He shoves the table off to the side.)

We are gonna find this pen. We are gonna find that pen!

(He grabs the corner of the carpet and starts yanking huge strips of it off the floor. Annie and Shirley both gasp.)

And if we can't find it, our children will find it!

(Abed starts shutting the shades on the windows. Jeff flings a stack of books off the shelf.)

Is it over here in these books, the pen?! This incredible, magical pen, that nobody knows how it could disappear!

(Both Jeff and Troy are tearing apart the room now.)

Maybe it's right in here!

Annie: Guys! This is school property! Can we just forget it?! It's a pen!

(Jeff and Troy stop what they're doing as everyone whirls on Annie. Jeff turns to look at her, murderous.)

Jeff: Oh? It's a pen now? Really? It's not a principle anymore? Now it's a pen?!

(Jeff and Annie are now standing inches from each other.)

Why the change of heart?

Annie: You're not seriously accusing me. We searched my bag.

Britta: Which is exactly the last place you'd put it if you found it halfway through all this. In fact, assuming that one of us does have the pen, who among us has the most incentive to make sure it never sees the light of day?

Annie: You wanna go there?

Britta: Yeah.

Annie: I'll go there. I was born there.

Britta: Really.

Annie: There's a placard there commemorating me.

(Annie starts unbuttoning her top.)

Troy: What's going on and how can I help?

Jeff: Annie, relax.

Annie: No, you relax, Jeff. Or are you scared that if you do, my pen will fall out?

Jeff: Oh, you precocious little bitch.

(Jeff, Britta, and Pierce all start to strip as well.)

Abed: Okay, guys, guys, hey, guys, stop. You're being completely illogical. We need to flip the table, divide the group by gender, and then search each other in our underwear.

Shirley: What?

(Cut to a shot of the room, which is in disarray. The boys are now on the left, and the girls are on the right, both groups standing behind tables in their underwear. Pierce is off to the side, the only one with a shirt still on.)

Jeff: Now what?

Abed: Everybody shake. Enough to dislodge.

(Everyone jumps up and down for a second.)

Okay, anything hit the floor?

Annie, Britta, and Shirley: No.

Troy: What are those underwear made out of? They look luxurious.

Jeff: Oh, they're an organic soy-cotton blend.

Britta: This Gwynnifer must be real special. Don't you usually wear the stripey turquoise Beetlejuice numbers?

Abed: What does she mean "usually"?

Jeff: Alright, end of the road. We've torn apart the room, we've stripped. There is absolutely no place left...

(Pan to Pierce's casts.)

Pierce: No. No.

(Pierce tries to wheel himself away, but Jeff, Abed, and Troy intercept him.)

No! No!

(Cut. Pan up from the floor to Troy using scissors to cut open Pierce's cast.)

Troy: Dammit. Broke my scissors.

Jeff: Here. Be careful. That's the last pair we have. Also don't cut his legs.

(Pierce growls and tries to bite Abed's hand. The women gasp.)

Abed: I'm worried we've gone too far. This is how supervillains are created. Can't you just make an inspiring Winger speech about trust, throw in a few digs at an easy celebrity target, and put a ribbon on this thing?

Jeff: Abed, think about this for one second. If a single one of us leaves this room before we find that pen, how can any of us trust anyone in this group ever again?

(Shirley puts her clothes back on.)

Britta: What's your hurry?

Shirley: I'm clothing myself. I'm not comfortable standing around in my all-together like you two anorexic jezeb-

(Annie and Britta look taken aback.)

Oh, I'm so sorry, that was really mean. I don't know where that came from.

Annie: We've all been through a lot today. And I'm sure this pregnancy scare's been weighing on you all week, right?

Shirley: Mm-hm.

Annie: And maybe that's why you took my pen?

Shirley: What?!

Annie: Where are you hiding it?

Shirley: Oh my goodness, you-

Troy: Alright, here we go.

(Troy and Jeff take off the tops of Pierce's casts. Everyone makes loud noises of disgust and cringes back.)

It smells like a Waffle House sink.

Jeff: Pierce, are you using Slim Jims to scratch your legs?

Pierce: Have we not gotten to a place free of judgement yet?

Troy: This isn't it, this isn't it, where's the pen, where is it? Where's the pen?! Where's the pen?

Dean Pelton (over PA): It's getting a little chilly outside, so the animal wranglers have asked every student to pick up a puppy and hold it, so they stay warm while the volunteers hand out tiny, puppy-sized hats. Honestly, I don't know why I'm even making these announcements. There can't be anyone who isn't already on the quad.

Scene 4[]

(Cold open on a shot of everyone sitting on the floor between the two propped-up tables, fully clothed once more.)

Britta: Annie, I'd just like to say, on behalf of whoever actually stole this pen, I really am sorry about all this.

Pierce: I knew it was you.

Troy: I knew it was you.

Annie: All I know is, it could be any of you.

Jeff: And, for all we know, it's you.

Annie: I wish it were. I really do. I wish I could just find it behind my ear. I'd rather it be that stupid than have to think that any one of us might be this inconsiderate.

Shirley: After all we've been through, it almost seems impossible.

Jeff: It seems... less than impossible. Something impossible actually seems more likely.

Abed: Here we go. A Winger speech to take us home.

Jeff: What if a ghost took the pen?

Abed: Let him finish.

Jeff: I am finished. For real, honestly, seriously, why not? Why not just, a ghost took the pen?

Troy: Okay, I've been saying that for hours.

Jeff: And we should've been listening to Troy from the beginning. Guys, look in your hearts, and answer this question honestly. What's more likely: that someone in this group doesn't belong in this group, or ghosts? If we have to choose between turning on each other or pinning it on some specter with unfinished, pen-related business, I'm sorry, but my money's on ghost.

Britta: Well, I'm not a religious person, but I've seen specials on the paranormal. Anything's possible.

Annie: Relative to the alternative? It actually seems more logical to me.

Pierce: Why would a ghost want a pen?

Jeff: Troy?

Troy: Okay, so I see it as a lot like the movie Paranormal Activity, except for more boring and fancy. And I think in 1856, it is possible that a man was beheaded while he was writing in his diary to his long-lost love. And now he roams the halls of Greendale, screaming for his pen so he can write her a love letter. "I need her, I need her," he screams, as he looks for a pen...

(Crossfade to the group walking out of the room together, smiling and content. Dean Pelton walks into the frame and stops in the doorway, stunned.)

Dean Pelton: What the hell did you people do in there?

Abed: Something you and your puppies could only dream of, you non-miraculous son of a bitch.

(Dean Pelton gasps.)

Dean Pelton: Non-miraculous? Wait! Abed!

(He jogs after the group. The camera pans to the right, focusing on the vent on the wall. It swings open to reveal Annie's Boobs. The monkey crosses the room, picks up a spoon from the floor, and retreats back into the vents. The camera follows the monkey to a section of vent where it has amassed a giant pile of knickknacks and various objects; among them is a pile of purple gel pens.)

End card[]

(Cold open on the Puppy Parade. The first float is Autumn themed.)

Dean Pelton (voice over): Now, who could resist falling in love with our next float? This Autumn Colors puppy reminds us that while the leaves might be changing, responsible pet ownership is always in season.

(Another float crosses the screen. It is covered in bubbles.)

Oh, and here's a crowd favorite, the Top and Tails float. A champagne bath and a red sports car? Let's hope he's single.

(The last float has both a cat and a dog riding atop it, with the words "equality + togetherness" on the front. Several craft hearts decorate the float.)

Well, this one feels a little preachy. Boo! Boo!

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