 To be cleared you must all submit to a polygraph test.
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| — Mr. Stone, "Cooperative Polygraphy". |
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A Polygraph is a device which measures, records and analyzes physiological reactions to a series of questions in order to determine whether a person is telling the truth. In the event of his death, Pierce Hawthorne stipulated in his will that a polygraph machine would be used to investigate if his friends in the study group had anything to do with it. He retained a man named Mr. Stone to conduct the inquest with questions specifically written by Pierce to rattle the study group one last time. The Polygraph's first appearance was in the Season Five episode "Cooperative Polygraphy". |
History[]
| Sometime after the study group's graduation and subsequent re-enrollment at Greendale, they learned that Pierce Hawthorne passed away. After attending his funeral they went to the study room where they were met by a man calling himself "Mr. Stone". Stone informed them that he was hired to carry out instructions in Pierce's will and conducting an inquest into his employers death using a polygraph machine. As he spoke to the group, two polygraph technicians set up the machine in the corner of the study room. The study group decided to honor Pierce's final request and hooked themselves up to the lie detector machine but began to regret it after Stone began his inquiry.
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Polygraph session[]
 SUBJECT #1: PERRY, BRITTA | |
| TEST QUESTIONS | |
| MR.STONE | State your name. |
| SUBJECT #1 RESPONSE | "Britta Perry" |
| POLYGRAPH RESULT | [Statement verified to be true] |
| MR.STONE | Have you ever had any thoughts of violence towards Pierce Hawthorne? |
| SUBJECT #1 RESPONSE | "No." |
| POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN | Thats a lie. |
| SUBJECT #1 RESPONSE | I mean I may wanted to slap him every now and then but I didn't want to kill him. |
| FIRST ROUND OF QUESTIONS | |
| MR.STONE | Miss Perry, have you ever eaten at the sandwich shop started by Ms. Bennett and Mr. Hawthorne? |
| SUBJECT RESPONSE | Yes. |
| POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN | [Statement verified to be true] |
| MR.STONE | And what sandwich do you order from Shirley's Sandwiches? |
| SUBJECT RESPONSE | The only one I can, the Helen of Soy with no mayo. |
| POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN | [Statement verified to be true] |
| MR.STONE | Are you aware that in order to save money Shirley stopped using real tofu and replaced it with a mid-western tofu substitute called "Meat-Fu"? |
| SUBJECT RESPONSE | OH MY GOD! Ohhh... |
| FINAL ROUND OF QUESTIONS | |
| MR.STONE | Britta Perry. Do you know you hate yourself more than you should and that your passion inspired me? |
| SUBJECT RESPONSE | No...? |
| POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN | Thats true, she didn't know. |
| MR.STONE | To Miss Perry I leave my iPod nano filled with music to take life less seriously by. |
| SUBJECT RESPONSE | Oh, that's nice. |
| MR.STONE | I also leave this liquid nitrigen cooled cylinder of my hyper-viral sperm in case your lesbian lifestyle one day wears out and you wish to raise an army of geniuses. |
| SUBJECT RESPONSE | ... |
| POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN | [Response unrecorded] |
 SUBJECT #2: WINGER, JEFF | |
| TEST QUESTIONS | |
| MR.STONE | Mr. Winger, please state your name. |
| SUBJECT #2 RESPONSE | "Jeffrey Winger." |
| POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN | [Statement verified to be true] |
| MR.STONE | Are you gay? |
| SUBJECT #2 RESPONSE | No. |
| POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN | [Subject agitated, possibly evasive] |
| MR.STONE | Are you sure you're not gay? |
| SUBJECT #2 RESPONSE | Yes. |
| POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN | [Subject angry, possibly evasive] |
| MR.STONE | Gay muderer says what? |
| SUBJECT #2 RESPONSE | "What?" |
| POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN | He's telling the truth. |
| MR.STONE | I've been instructed to point out that means you are gay. |
| FIRST ROUND OF QUESTIONS | |
| MR.STONE | Mr. Winger is it true you keep trophies of your sexual conquests? |
| SUBJECT #2 RESPONSE | I-I know what Pierce is referring to. I-I have a box of forgotten items in my apartment. I happen to be a single male...visitors leave things. |
| POLYGRAPH RESULT | [Statement verified to be true] |
| FINAL ROUND OF QUESTIONS | |
| MR.STONE | Jeff Winger. Did you know you're gay? |
| SUBJECT #2 RESPONSE | No. |
| MR.STONE | Agree to disagree. To you I leave this bottle of fine scotch so that you're less tempted to drink this cylinder of even finer sperm. |
 SUBJECT #3: BENNETT, SHIRLEY | |
| TEST QUESTIONS | |
| MR.STONE | Mrs. Bennett, please state your name. |
| SUBJECT #3 RESPONSE | "Shirley Bennett" |
| POLYGRAPH RESULT | [Statement verified to be true] |
| MR.STONE | Are you a dishonest person? |
| SUBJECT #3 RESPONSE | No-o-o. |
| POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN | She thinks that's true. |
| SUBJECT #3 RESPONSE | Uh, you could have just said no. I'm watching you acting all scientific and then adding your little two cents every now and again, huh?! Continue.' |
| MR.STONE | Is it true you're a platinum level donor with the Pro-life organization prenatalpatriots.org? |
| SUBJECT #3 RESPONSE | Its my money. It's my choice. |
| FIRST ROUND OF QUESTIONS | |
| MR.STONE | Shirley, did you know that Britta was high on marijuana at your sons baptism? |
| SUBJECT #3 RESPONSE | [To SUBJECT #1] ...I'm sorry? |
| FINAL ROUND OF QUESTIONS | |
| MR.STONE | Shirley. Did you know that you are not only a credit to your race and gender but to our species and that I was intimidated by your strength of character and business acumen? |
| SUBJECT #3 RESPONSE | ...yes? |
| MR.STONE | To Shirley Bennett I leave my spacious timeshare in Florida where she can take what's-his-name and however many children she has now. I also leave you a cylinder of my sperm. |
 SUBJECT #4: BARNES, TROY | |
| TEST QUESTIONS | |
| MR.STONE | Mr.Barnes, please state your name. |
| SUBJECT #4 RESPONSE | "Troy Barnes...oh, I meant to say "Butts Carlton"!" |
| POLYGRAPH RESULT | He did mean to say "Butts Carlton". |
| MR.STONE | Barnes did you get angry when Pierce Hawthorne told you that Fat Albert died of diabetes? |
| SUBJECT #4 RESPONSE | Yes, like any American would. |
| POLYGRAPH RESULT | [Statement verified to be true] |
| MR.STONE | Angry enough to murder him? |
| SUBJECT #4 RESPONSE | Naw. |
| POLYGRAPH RESULT | [Statement verified to be true] |
| MR.STONE | Is it true that you and Abed Nadir have an elaborate escape plan to use in the event of zombie attacks? |
| SUBJECT #4 RESPONSE | We may have a designated rendezvous point and a couple of bug out bags filled with gold coins and condoms just in case we need to barter our way onto a boat. The gold coins are for buying food. |
| MR.STONE | Does your doomsday plan account for the welfare of your other friends? |
| SUBJECT #4 RESPONSE | ...Pass? |
| FIRST ROUND OF QUESTIONS | |
| MR.STONE | Mr.Barnes..? |
| SUBJECT #4 RESPONSE | OKAY I DID IT, I KILLED PIERCE!!! |
| POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN | Lie. |
| SUBJECT #4 RESPONSE | Okay, good. Just making sure. |
| MR.STONE | You and Abed Nadir have a specialized, exclusive handshake that you refuse to do with your other friends? |
| SUBJECT #4 RESPONSE | Absolutely! [SUBJECT #4 does the handshake with SUBJECT #6] |
| MR.STONE | Mr. Barnes did you invent that handshake? |
| SUBJECT #4 RESPONSE | Yes. |
| POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN | Lie. |
| MR.STONE | Mr.Barnes are you a subscriber to the video blog "Fun for Friends"? |
| SUBJECT #4 RESPONSE | No. |
| POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN | Lie. |
| SUBJECT #4 RESPONSE | SILENCE WENCH!!! |
| SUBJECT #6 RESPONSE | [SUBJECT #6 watches the video blog and sees the origin of the handshake] [To SUBJECT #4] I can't look at you right now. |
| SUBJECT #4 RESPONSE | [To SUBJECT #6] Then you should know I'm crying. |
| SUBJECT #6 RESPONSE | [To SUBJECT #4] I forgive you but only to escape the established pattern of self righteous indignation followed by immediate comeuppance. |
| FINAL ROUND OF QUESTIONS | |
| MR.STONE | Troy Barnes. Did you know you possess the greatest gift that life could ever give: the heart of a hero? And that it's up to you not to waste it like I did? |
| SUBJECT #4 RESPONSE | ...I think. |
| MR.STONE | To Troy I leave the obligatory sperm. |
| SUBJECT #4 RESPONSE | Maybe it's because everyone else got one and because it's an old man's semen, but, um, I'm kind of disappointed. |
| MR.STONE | In addition I am prepared to leave Troy Barnes my remaining shares in the Hawthorne Wipes company currently valued at $14.3 million dollars...on one condition. You must first sail my boat, "The Childish Tycoon", by yourself around the entire world. When I was 23, my father asked me to do the same in order to earn my adulthood and his fortune. Of course I cheated and floated off the coast of Belize for a year doing coke with John Denver. I always regretted it. I'd like to give you a chance to do what I never did, become your own man. |
| SUBJECT #4 RESPONSE | I'll do it. Pierce was a crazy old coot, yeah, but I think he knew something about me that even I didn't know until now. Because he's offering me something I've been searching for my whole life...millions of dollars...and being a man or whatever he said. |
 SUBJECT #5: CHANG, BEN | |
| TEST QUESTIONS | |
| MR.STONE | Mr. Chang, state your name. |
| SUBJECT #5 RESPONSE | Benjamin Franklin Chang, ready to deal out the truth. Nothing to hide, let's do this. |
| MR.STONE | Have you ever masturbated in the study room? |
| SUBJECT #5 RESPONSE | [Subject removed his sensors and left the room without a response] |
 SUBJECT #6: NADIR, ABED | |
| TEST QUESTIONS | |
| MR.STONE | Mr.Nadir, state your name. |
| SUBJECT #6 RESPONSE | Abed Nadir. |
| MR.STONE | Have you ever 911'd anyone? |
| SUBJECT #6 RESPONSE | Nope. |
| MR.STONE | When you were a child did you ever kill a squirrel with a slingshot and were surprised that you felt nothing and wondered if you were capable of doing it to a human? |
| SUBJECT #6 RESPONSE | [Long pause] No. |
| POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN | [Statement verified to be true] |
| MR.STONE | Do you and Troy still use Jeff's Netflix account without his permission? |
| SUBJECT #6 RESPONSE | What? |
| SUBJECT #4 RESPONSE | [To SUBJECT #6] You told Pierce that? |
| SUBJECT #6 RESPONSE | [To SUBJECT #2] You logged in at our place and never logged out so we use it. |
| SUBJECT #2 RESPONSE | [To SUBJECT #6] Is that why my review of "The Grey" is constantly changing? |
| SUBJECT #6 RESPONSE | [To SUBJECT #2] Yes, stop giving it four stars. |
| SUBJECT #2 RESPONSE | [To SUBJECT #6] I like Liam Neeson! |
| SUBJECT #6 RESPONSE | [To SUBJECT #2] Then send him a message about the roles he chooses. |
| SUBJECT #2 RESPONSE | [To SUBJECT #6] Look, this is not the issue! You're stealing from me! |
| SUBJECT #7 RESPONSE | [To SUBJECT #6] And as your roommate you're making me an accomplice! [To SUBJECT #2] I had no idea. |
| POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN | [To SUBJECT #7] Lie. |
| FIRST ROUND OF QUESTIONS | |
| MR.STONE | Is it true you planted geo-trafficking devices on everyone in the group so that you would know where they are at all times? |
| SUBJECT #6 RESPONSE | Yes. [Looks at the group] Okay you guys are changing your faces. Are you mad at me or hungry? |
| FINAL ROUND OF QUESTIONS | |
| MR.STONE | Abed Nadir. Did you know that you are insane and that nothing that you said ever made any sense to me? |
| SUBJECT #6 RESPONSE | Yep. |
| MR.STONE | Here's your sperm. |
 SUBJECT #7: EDISON, ANNIE | |
| TEST QUESTIONS | |
| MR.STONE | State your name please miss. |
| SUBJECT #7 RESPONSE | Annie Edison. |
| POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN | ...[Statement verified to be true] |
| MR.STONE | Did you use your exceptional intelligence and organizational skills to plot the full proof murder of Pierce Hawthorne? |
| SUBJECT #7 RESPONSE | Awww...and no. |
| POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN | [Statement verified to be true, Subject appears to be flattered] |
| MR.STONE | Is it true you overcharge Troy and Abed for their share of the rent? |
| SUBJECT #7 RESPONSE | Pierce!...Yes, but for a good reason. You know you both are bad with money. I padded your share of the rent by $10.00 and put it in a savings account which yields 4%. You'll be thanking me in six years when you find you have $86 dollars! That's jacket money! |
| FIRST ROUND OF QUESTIONS | |
| MR.STONE | Mis Edison, is it true you once dosed the members of your study group with a pharmaceutical amphetamine? |
| SUBJECT #7 RESPONSE | Uh-hmmm...oh,uh, yes, kind of. |
| SUBJECT #1 RESPONSE | WHAT?! |
| SUBJECT #7 RESPONSE | It sounds worse on paper than it was. We were cramming for the Anthro final, everyone was falling asleep. I put five milligrams of something-something in your coffees and we all got an 'A'. Done! |
| SUBJECT #6 RESPONSE | [To SUBJECT #7] I'm a bad person for tracking your location but you altered my brain chemistry? I was up for three days that week. I invented an entire language you flitzbarping gitzgorg! |
| SUBJECT #7 RESPONSE | [To SUBJECT #6] I'm sorry. |
| SUBJECT #6 RESPONSE | You messed with my brain. That's a big deal. This is a big deal. I don't mess with your brain, Annie. |
| SUBJECT #4 RESPONSE | You kind of do. |
| SUBJECT #6 RESPONSE | I don't think I do. |
| SUBJECT #7 RESPONSE | What about her Facebook boyfriend? |
| SUBJECT #6 RESPONSE | Thats different. |
| SUBJECT #7 RESPONSE | What? |
| SUBJECT #4 RESPONSE | [To SUBJECT #6] You made a profile for a fake dude and lured her into an online relationship. [To SUBJECT #7] He's catfishing you. |
| SUBJECT #7 RESPONSE | [To SUBJECT #6]Your Olympic pole-vaulting hopeful Brent Underjaw?! |
| SUBJECT #6 RESPONSE | [To SUBJECT #7] I noticed whenever you were in a relationship you hummed a lot and made pancakes in the morning. It wasn't about hurting you. I did what I did in the name of breakfast. |
| SUBJECT #7 RESPONSE | [To SUBJECT #6] I bore my soul to you! [soto] I told you about my holding hands in Disneyland fantasy. Do you care about people at all Abed?! Answer on the polygraph! |
| SUBJECT #7 RESPONSE | [Short pause] Jeff made me apply for handicapped parking so he can get a better spot. |
| FINAL ROUND OF QUESTIONS | |
| MR.STONE | Annie Edison. Did you know you were always my favorite? |
| SUBJECT #7 RESPONSE | You mentioned it once... |
| MR.STONE | I leave you this tiara which you once refused to accept. It's the same tiara I used to wear when my mother would verbally assault me for not being a little girl. Also sperm. |
| Once the questions were over Troy accepted Pierce's challenge to sail around the world for his multimillion dollar inheritance. The group fell silent until Annie pleaded with Jeff to change Troy's mind. For once Jeff admitted to be speechless and couldn't think of anything to say. Annie then asked Abed to talk some sense into Troy. However, Abed instead forced himself to accept his best friends decision. He pretended to be happy for Troy's sake and simply said "Cool. Coolcoolcool.". The female polygraph tech checked her instruments and declared Abed's response to be a lie ("Cooperative Calligraphy").
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