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Script This page is a transcript for the Season 3 episode Remedial Chaos Theory.


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Cast[]

Cast

Episode Transcript[]

Cold Open[]

3X4 Promopic3   

Summary: The group arrives at Troy and Abed's apartment for a housewarming party.

Scenes:

1

Cold Open, Scene 1[]

Script

(Shot of Troy and Abed's apartment door.)

Britta: Didn't they say 304?

Annie: No, 303. I wrote it down twice.

(They knock on the door. Troy and Abed answer.)

Troy and Abed (singing): Troy and Abed's new apartment!

Britta and Annie: Hi!

Troy: Come on in.

Annie: Wow. Okay.

Britta and Annie: Wow.

Britta: What a great place. You guys-- You guys look so fancy.

Abed: Thanks. We read a book on how to be the perfect party hosts. Rule number one: dress to impress.

Troy: Rule number two: avoid touchy topics like the Negro problem. The book was written in the 40s.

Abed: Yeah.

Shirley (from the kitchen): Oh good, you guys are finally here!

Britta: Finally?

Abed: Shirley showed up at 3.

Shirley: Time flies when I'm baking.

Troy: No, it doesn't.

(Annie holds up a brick.)

Annie: Oh, the door downstairs was propped open with this. This is really unsafe. Anyone could've just wandered into your building.

(The intercom buzzes.)

Abed: Like one of our guests?

Troy: I’ll Be right back.

(Troy leaves.)

Abed: Thank you, Troy. Let me give you ladies the grand tour. Bathroom, kitchen, who cares? And this is my scale model of the rolling boulder scene from Raiders...

(Abed brings Britta and Annie to his scale model.)

Abed: ...with actual rolling boulder.

Britta: Ooh.

Abed: Yeah.

(He presses a button near the model. A boulder begins to roll down it until Abed catches it. A recording plays from the model.)

Recording: Adios, Sapito.

Britta and Annie: Ah.

Abed: Pow. Pretty cool, huh?

Britta: Super cool. And sexy. Super sexy cool.

Annie: Overselling it.

(Shirley enters from the kitchen, holding a pizza)

Shirley: I made pizza!

Abed: But we ordered real pizza.

Shirley: Well, there's nothing more than homemade. You didn't have some of the ingredients, so I used ketchup and cream cheese!

Abed: We ordered real pizza.

Annie: Uh, Abed. Okay, hey! I got you that.

(Annie hands Abed a potted plant. Troy enters with Jeff and Pierce.)

Troy: Bienvenido de la casa chez Trobed.

Jeff: Very nice.

(Jeff notices the scale model.)

Jeff: Oh, look, Indiana Jones and the Apartment of Perpetual Virginity.

(Troy laughs.)

Troy: Chop busted, fellow adult. Chop busted.

Pierce: It's nice. It's not mansion nice, but it's nice. Didn't you use to live in a mansion with me?

Troy: Yeah, but this more my speed and century.

Pierce: It's okay. I've hardly missed you at all since I had you removed from my portraits. Jeff, check it out.

(Pierce holds up a bottle of rum.)

Pierce: Serbian rum. So strong, it is banned there. Banned in Serbia, Jeff. Let that concept sink in.

Jeff: Yeah, well, you enjoy. I have to leave early.

Abed: Oh?

Jeff: Yeah, sorry. I got an invite to the opening of a new club. Look at this place. It's like it was designed for me.

Abed: It was. I made that in Photoshop and mailed it to you a month ago so that you'd keep the night open on your calendar.

Jeff: So there's no such thing as Single Malt Platinum Boobs and Billiards Club? Oh. I guess I never said it out loud.

Abed: Tonight, we offer something far more than boobs and billiards.

Jeff: What?

Troy: One word, two syllables.

Jeff: Don't say charades.

(Troy and Abed hold up a board game.)

Troy and Abed: Yahtzee!

(Jeff takes the Serbian rum and uncorks it.)

Jeff: Is charades off the table?

Act 1[]

RCT-Not it   

Summary: The pizza arrives, and Jeff rolls a die to see who will have to get it, creating six different timelines.

Scenes:

1

·  2

· 3

Act 1, Scene 1[]

Script

(The group sits around a table in the apartment. Troy rolls the Yahtzee dice.)

Troy: Come on. And... okay. Now...

(He picks up the rulebook.)

Troy: ...how to play Yahtzee.

Pierce: Is there nothing from our youth that these companies won't repackage for a buck? Call it Yahtzee all you want. Everyone knows it's Puerto Rican chess.

(The intercom buzzes. Annie gasps.)

Jeff: Annie, it's just the pizza.

Abed: We can't buzz him up. Someone has to go down.

(The group all does 'Nose Goes' at the same time. Jeff picks up the die.)

Jeff: Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

Abed: Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

Jeff: Of course I am, Abed.

(Jeff throws the die. It sails through the void and lands in Timeline 2, rolling a two.)

Jeff: Two. One, two, Annie.

Annie: Okay, fine. I guess I'm going down.

(Britta hits play on 'Roxanne'.)

Pierce: All this talk of going down... did you guys know I had sex with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom?

(Everyone groans.)

Jeff: We're about to eat.

Pierce: It's not namedropping if it comes up organically.

Shirley: I'm checking on my pies.

Britta (singing): Roxanne-

Jeff: No.

Britta: Bathroom?

Abed: Yeah, over here.

(Abed and Britta leave. Troy looks through Annie's purse.)

Troy: Uh... guys? What does a pregnancy test look like?

Jeff: Oh, it's like a thin piece of plastic with a thing on the end of it.

Troy: Okay, so this is definitely a gun.

Jeff: Whoa! Yeah, put that away.

Troy: Oh, my- why does Annie have a gun?

Pierce: That's not a gun. That's a girl's peashooter.

(Pierce brings out a gift.)

Pierce: Here, Troy. Happy housewarming.

Troy: Jeff, what are we gonna do about this?

Jeff: I'm gonna get a drink.

(Jeff stands up and hits his head on the ceiling fan.)

Jeff: Ow!

(Pierce laughs.)

Jeff: What's so funny?

Pierce: I don't know, people hitting their heads.

(Shirley enters with her mini pies.)

Shirley: Don't fight over them!

(Nobody takes one.)

Shirley: Well, you can fight a little.

(Cut to Britta opening the bathroom door. Abed stands outside it.)

Abed: Smells weird.

Britta: I beg your pardon?

Abed: Smells weird. What did you do?

Britta: Abed, you don't ask someone a question like that. It's not dignified.

(Annie enters with the pizza.)

Britta: Pizza!

(Britta sings and dances awkwardly. It's hard to watch.)

Britta: Pizza, pizza, go in tummy! Me so hungy, me so hungy!

Annie: Pizza guy was super creepy.

Jeff: So, you're saying he was a pizza guy?

(The group starts to eat the pizza.)

Abed: I wonder what happened in those other timelines.

Jeff: Abed, there are no other timelines.

Act 1, Scene 2[]

Script

(The intercom buzzes. The group all does 'Nose Goes' at the same time. Jeff picks up the die.)

Jeff: Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

Abed: Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

Jeff: Of course I am, Abed.

(Jeff throws the die. It sails through the void and lands in Timeline 4, rolling a four.)

Jeff: Four. One, two, three, four, Shirley.

Shirley: Okay. Just don't let my pies burn.

('Roxanne' plays. Shirley leaves.)

Jeff: Remember, no one eats those pies.

Annie: Come on, let's just talk to her.

Jeff: We tried that, Annie, but she ignored us. The woman has a baking problem. Now, I don't like being the bad guy anymore than anybody else, but-

Britta (singing): Rox-

Jeff: No.

Britta: Bathroom?

Abed: Yeah, over here.

(Abed and Britta leave.)

Jeff: We have a pact. We do not enable her baking. It's gonna be better for her in the long run.

Pierce: Hey, you know who got it in the long run? Eartha Kitt when I nailed her in the airplane bathroom.

(Everyone groans.)

Annie: Ew, Pierce.

Pierce: What? Came up organically.

(Pierce brings out a gift.)

Pierce: Here, Troy. Happy housewarming.

Troy: Cool. Thanks, Pierce.

(Troy opens the gift, revealing the Norwegian troll doll. He jumps back in shock and fear.)

Troy: Whoa!

Jeff: What is it?

Pierce: What? It's a traditional Norwegian troll. When Troy and I were living together, I had it on display in a hall, you know, outside his bedroom. He seemed very taken with it.

(Jeff chuckles.)

Troy: It used to watch me sleep?

Annie: Pierce, shame on you. Jeff, what are you gonna do about this?

Jeff: I'm gonna get a drink.

(Jeff stands up and hits his head on the ceiling fan.)

Jeff: Ow!

(Pierce laughs.)

Annie: Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Jeff: Barely felt it.

Annie: Well, let me look at it in the bathroom.

(Cut to Britta and Abed arguing outside the bathroom.)

Britta: It's not dignified.

(Shirley enters with the pizza.)

Britta: Pizza!

(Britta sings and dances awkwardly. It's hard to watch.)

Britta: Pizza, pizza, in my tummy! Me so hungy, me so hungy!

Shirley: Did someone remember to take out my pies?

(Nobody remembered.)

Shirley: Seriously? Oh!

(Shirley sets down the pizza and runs to the oven.)

Shirley: Oh! Oh, no...

(She takes the pies out. They are burnt beyond recognition.)

Shirley: Seriously?!

Jeff: Shirley, it doesn't matter. We weren't gonna eat them. You're not allowed to have baking things as an identity!

Shirley: Excuse me for being the only married woman in a group full of horny toads who sit around all night just making googly eyes at each other!

Jeff and Annie: Googly eyes?

(They make googly eyes at each other. Jeff looks at Britta next. Britta looks at Troy. Troy looks at Abed. Abed wiggles his eyebrows. Troy turns to look at Pierce instead. Troy shouts in disgust.)

Troy: Oh!

Pierce: Shirley, it's okay. Nobody makes googly eyes at me either. We're the same.

(Shirley starts to cry. She runs into the bathroom and locks the door behind her.)

Annie: Oh, Shirley. Shirley!

(The button for the scale model gets pressed. The boulder rolls and Abed catches it.)

Recording: Adios, Sapito.

Abed: I wonder why she is so upset. Her pies probably didn't burn in the other timelines.

Jeff: Abed, Shirley just had a nervous breakdown.

Pierce: More like a nervous-

Jeff: Bakedown! I know, I didn't say it on purpose! And Abed, there are no other timelines!

Act 1, Scene 3[]

Script

(The intercom buzzes. The group all does 'Nose Goes' at the same time. Jeff picks up the die.)

Jeff: Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

Abed: Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

Jeff: Of course I am, Abed.

Act 2[]

RCT NOOOO!!!   

Summary: The timelines continue to unfold, including the Darkest Timeline.

Scenes:

1

·  2

· 3

· 4

Act 2, Scene 1[]

Script

(Jeff throws the die. It sails through the void and lands in Timeline 3, rolling a three.)

Jeff: Three. One, two, three, Pierce.

Pierce: Crap.

(Pierce stands up. 'Roxanne' plays.)

Pierce: Speaking of crap, I was taking one in an airplane bathroom when Eartha Kitt decided to bang me.

(Everyone groans.)

Pierce: What? It's where my mind went.

(Pierce leaves.)

Jeff: Your mind went years ago.

(Annie laughs. Her and Jeff share a moment.)

Shirley: Ugh, I'm gonna check on my pies.

(Shirley heads to the kitchen.)

Britta (singing): Roxanne-

Jeff: No.

Britta: Bathroom?

Abed: Yeah, over here.

(Abed and Britta leave.)

Annie: I love your place, Troy. You're all grown up now.

Jeff: Man, I can't believe those are real mahogany bunk beds in there. Bet that cost you a few allowances.

Troy: Hm. All right.

(Troy stands up.)

Annie: Aw, Troy.

Jeff: Oh, now we done it.

(Troy walks to the bathroom, hitting Abed's scale model in the process, which triggers the boulder.)

Abed: Britta's in the bathro-

Recording: Adios, Sapito.

(Abed rushes to catch the boulder. Cut to Britta leaning out of the bathroom window and smoking. Troy knocks on the bathroom door.)

Britta: Who is it?

Troy: Troy.

Britta: I'm washing my hands.

Troy: Good, then I can come in.

Britta: Oh, uh, hi!

(Britta hides the blunt and uses an aerosol spray to mask the scent.)

Britta: Uh, ahem, I was, uh, smoking a cigarette.

Troy: I know what you were doing. I'm 21 years old. I'm a man.

(Troy takes out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth.)

Britta: Oh, okay, here.

(Britta offers a lighter to Troy, who pulls the cigarette into his mouth and eats it.)

Britta: I know that. We all know that.

Troy: Then why is Jeff always picking on me?

(Cut to Jeff and Annie at the table.)

Annie: You seem to be a little hard on Troy lately.

Jeff: I'm gonna get a drink.

(Jeff stands up and hits his head on the ceiling fan.)

Jeff: Ow!

Annie: Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Jeff: Barely felt it.

Annie: Well, let me look at it in the bathroom.

Abed: Britta's in the bathroom.

Annie: Oh, um... okay.

(Jeff and Annie head to the kitchen, where Shirley is baking pies.)

Shirley: Oh, no, what happened?

Annie: Minor head wound. If there's an abrasion, we'll clean it with iodine and apply ice.

Jeff: You make a good nurse.

Annie: Thanks.

Shirley: Dr. Shirley says mini pies are the best medicine.

Jeff: Then I'd like to see her degree.

(Cut to Troy and Britta in the bathroom.)

Britta: He's butting antlers with you because you're a threat now. You've got your own place, you've got a future, you've got a bowl full of olives next to the toilet.

Troy: It's a fancy party, Britta.

Britta: You know what Jeff has in his bathroom? Neither do I. He keeps his toiletries in a safe under the sink. His whole personality is based around guarding himself. You don't have to be like that to be a man.

Troy: You're really cool, Britta.

(Pierce enters with the pizza. The group convenes around the kitchen counter.)

Pierce: Man, pizza guys are getting worse and worse looking. Guess all the good ones went into porn.

(Pierce notices Annie taking care of Jeff.)

Jeff: Ceiling fan.

Pierce: I miss all the fun.

(The group starts to eat the pizza.)

Abed: I wonder what happened in all those other timelines.

Troy and Britta: Who cares?

Act 2, Scene 2[]

Script

(The intercom buzzes. The group all does 'Nose Goes' at the same time. Jeff picks up the die.)

Jeff: Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

Abed: Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

Jeff: Of course I am, Abed.

(Jeff throws the die. It sails through the void and lands in Timeline 6, rolling a six.)

Jeff: Six. One, two, three, four, five, six, Britta.

Britta: Great.

(Britta leaves.)

Pierce: Great. You know what's great? Air travel. I've flown a lot, a lot of airplane stories. I once had sex with Eartha Kitt--

Shirley: Okay, I'm gonna check on my pies.

(Shirley heads to the kitchen. The group sits in silence, with no 'Roxanne' to fill the gaps.)

Abed: Hm. Hey.

Troy: You guys are my best--

Jeff: I'm gonna get a drink.

(Jeff stands up and hits his head on the ceiling fan.)

Jeff: Ow!

(Pierce and Troy laugh.)

Annie: Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Jeff: Barely felt it.

Annie: Let me look at it in the bathroom.

(Jeff and Annie head to the bathroom.)

Troy: Do I need to refill the toilet olives?

Abed: We're good. I checked.

Troy: You're the best.

Abed: Wanna stay up all night talking in our bunk beds?

Troy: Da-doy.

(Troy and Abed do their handshake. Pierce takes out a gift.)

Pierce: Here, Troy. Happy housewarming.

Troy: Oh, cool. Thanks, Pierce.

(Cut to Jeff and Annie in the bathroom.)

Jeff: You make a good nurse, Annie.

Annie: Thank you. I actually had to apply a tourniquet the other day. A guy got stabbed outside my building.

Jeff: What? Annie, you've got to get the hell out of that apartment.

Annie: You don't have to treat me like a kid anymore, remember?

Jeff: Yeah, but adults still need to be protected. I can't help but worry about you, Annie. You're important to me.

(Jeff and Annie almost kiss, but are interrupted by Troy screaming.)

Troy: AHH! STOP!

(Jeff and Annie run out of the bathroom to see Pierce holding the Norwegian troll doll to Troy, terrorizing him.)

Pierce: Feel the terror! Feel the terror, Troy! Feel the terror of the Norwegian troll!

(Shirley enters from the kitchen.)

Shirley: What is going on in here?

Abed: Pierce is terrorizing Troy because he's jealous that we moved in together.

Pierce: You're the one who's jealous.

Abed: Why would I be jealous?

Pierce: Because you're lonely and crazy.

(Pierce puts down the doll. Britta enters with Toby the pizza guy, who is carrying the pizza.)

Britta: Hey, guys. This is Toby, our pizza delivery guy, and I know this is gonna sound nuts, but we're in love and we're getting married.

(The group is shocked. Britta awkwardly kisses Toby's hand.)

Abed: I wonder what happened in all those other timelines.

Toby: Wait, there are other timelines?

Act 2, Scene 3[]

Script

(The intercom buzzes. The group all does 'Nose Goes' at the same time. Jeff picks up the die.)

Jeff: Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

Abed: Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

Jeff: Of course I am, Abed.

(Jeff throws the die. It sails through the void and lands in Timeline 1, rolling a one.)

Jeff: One. Troy.

Troy: Ugh. Damn it. I'm gonna go as fast as I can so I don't miss anything.

(Troy rushes out of the apartment, slamming the door in the process. The impact causes the boulder to dislodge and begin rolling down the scale model, but Abed is not there to catch it. 'Roxanne' plays.)

Recording: Adios, Sapito.

Pierce: You know who I used to call Miss Anything? Eartha Kitt.

(Everyone groans.)

Pierce: What? He totally set me up.

(The boulder hits the grounds and rolls across the floor.)

Shirley: I'm checking on my pies.

(Shirley heads to the kitchen, walking past the boulder in the process.)

Britta (singing): Roxanne-

Jeff: No.

Britta: Bathroom?

Abed: Yeah, over here.

(Abed and Britta leave. They also walk past the boulder.)

Pierce: Jeff, tell us about your father.

Jeff: I'm gonna get a drink.

(Jeff stands up and hits his head on the ceiling fan.)

Jeff: Ow!

(Pierce laughs.)

Annie: Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Jeff: Barely felt it.

Annie: Well, let me look at it in the bathroom.

(Jeff and Annie head to the bathroom, but along the way, Annie steps on the boulder. It slips out from under her and she sails through the air, screaming, until she lands on the edge of the coffee table. The impact causes the table to slam down, launching the snacks and drinks off in the process, including the Serbian rum. The rum smashes on the ground.)

Pierce: Oh!

(Pierce kicks his gift away as he stands up to help. This causes Annie's purse to fall off the table, triggering the gun, which fires into Pierce's leg. He screams and collapses.)

Jeff: What the hell?!

(Annie gets to the ground to help Pierce. Abed and Shirley run in, and Shirley gets sprayed in the face with blood as it shoots out of Pierce's leg. She screams.)

Annie: Call 911! Abed, help me stop the bleeding!

(Abed stops to readjust his scale model before rushing to help Pierce.)

Pierce: I'm dying! I am dying.

(Britta runs in, a lit cigarette in her mouth. Seeing the situation that has quickly unfolded, her jaw drops in shock, causing her to drop the cigarette. The cigarette lands in the pool of Serbian rum, which ignites and quickly spreads flame to the rest of the apartment, including Pierce's gift. Annie screams. Jeff drops the phone to grab a blanket, which he uses to attempt to smother the fire.)

Britta: Water. Water. Water!

(Britta hurries to the kitchen to grab water. Troy enters with the pizza, only to be greeted by a dying Pierce with Annie and Abed unable to stop the bleeding, Jeff hitting the fire with a blanket, which only succeeds in lighting the blanket, and Britta throwing a laughably small amount of water on the fire, which only succeeds in doing nothing. At the center of this chaos, Troy sees something: the Norwegian troll doll.)

Troy: You.

(The chaos grows stronger. The music grows louder. Troy drops the pizza and screams.)

Act 2, Scene 4[]

Script

(The intercom buzzes. The group all does 'Nose Goes' at the same time. Jeff picks up the die.)

Jeff: Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

Abed: Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

Jeff: Of course I am, Abed.

Act 3[]

RCT Party time   

Summary: Abed sees through Jeff's lies and exposes him.

Scenes:

1

·  2

Act 3, Scene 1[]

Script

(Jeff throws the die. It sails through the void and lands in Timeline 5, rolling a five.)

Jeff: Five. One, two, three, four, five, Abed.

Abed: I'm on it.

(Abed stands up. 'Roxanne' plays.)

Pierce: You know who else was on it? And do you know what it is?

Abed: Everybody give me money.

Jeff: Wow, that ascot really softens your personality.

Pierce: I banged Eartha Kitt.

(Nobody responds.)

Britta (singing): Roxanne-

Jeff: No.

Britta: Bathroom?

Troy: Down the hall.

Jeff: I'm getting a drink.

(Jeff stands up and hits his head on the ceiling fan.)

Jeff: Ow!

(Pierce and Troy laugh.)

Annie: Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Jeff: Barely felt it.

Annie: Well, let me look at it in the bathroom.

Troy: Britta's in the bathroom.

Annie: Oh, um...

(Annie and Jeff head to the kitchen. Cut to Britta, leaning out the bathroom window and smoking. Cut back to the kitchen, where Shirley is taking her pies out of the oven.)

Shirley: Oh, no, what happened?

Annie: Minor head wound.

(Britta comes out of the bathroom.)

Britta: Oh, my God. What smells amazing?

Shirley: Oh, someone wants pie!

(Shirley picks up her pies and happily runs to Britta. Annie continues treating Jeff.)

Jeff: You make a good nurse.

(Shirley giggles as she offers Britta a pie, who gratefully accepts.)

Britta: Oh, my God. They taste just like regular-sized pies.

Shirley: Oh yay!

(Cut to Pierce and Troy, who are still at the table. Pierce takes out a gift.)

Pierce: Happy housewarming.

Troy: Oh, cool. Thanks, Pierce. Hey, while we're alone, I just wanted to say thanks for letting me live with you.

(Cut to Shirley and Britta.)

Shirley: Sometimes, I feel like making desserts is the only thing I'm good for in the group.

(Cut back to Pierce and Troy.)

Troy: But, now it's time for me to try and make it on my own, just like you did.

(Cut to Jeff and Annie.)

Jeff: I can't help but worry about you.

(Troy and Pierce. Pierce attempts to take back the gift.)

Pierce: I- I don't think you should open this.

Troy: No- what? What are you talking about?

(Jeff and Annie.)

Jeff: You're very important to me.

(Shirley and Britta.)

Britta: Crap. I was not supposed to eat your stuff. We all made an agreement. Crap. I was not supposed to say that out loud. Crap! Okay, cards on the table. I'm really high right now.

Shirley: Oh-

(Jeff and Annie. They kiss. Troy and Pierce.)

Troy: Give me--

Pierce: No, I wanna give you something else. A Waterpik. A speedboat. Two Waterpiks.

(Jeff and Annie. They continue kissing. Shirley and Britta.)

Shirley: I can't believe I'm feeding my pies to a drug addict.

Britta: Drug addict? You're a pie pusher. You push pies to get love!

(Troy and Pierce. They continue wrestling with the gift.)

Troy: Give it, Pierce! It feels fun!

(Jeff and Annie. They break the kiss.)

Annie: I'm sorry. I just had a weird déjà vu.

(Troy and Pierce.)

Troy: You're bad at gift-giving!

(Jeff and Annie.)

Annie: That thing you said about worrying about me... that's something my dad always said.

(Troy and Pierce.)

Troy: I demand to be housewarmed!

(Jeff and Annie.)

Annie: Shouldn't have brought it up. Just reminded me of my dad. Anyway--

(Annie attempts to continue the kiss. Jeff stops her.)

Jeff: A little Makeout 101: Less dad talk. And you could ease up on the bubblegum lip gloss.

(Troy and Pierce.)

Troy: No, I really--

Pierce: No, you--

(Troy grabs the gift. In pulling it away, the Norwegian troll flies out and lands on the entertainment center. Troy looks shocked. Abed enters.)

Abed: Pizza time!

(Shirley and Britta. Shirley tries to take the pie.)

Shirley: Give me this, you godless hippie skank!

(Everyone reconvenes at the table. Abed sets down the pizza and starts to eat.)

Troy: You're a sick, sad, twisted old man, and I hope you die alone.

Abed: I wonder what happened in all those other timelines.

(Everyone is too busy fuming to respond.)

Abed: I gotta say, I hope this is the real one because I just found a nickel in the hallway.

Act 3, Scene 2[]

Script

(The intercom buzzes. The group all does 'Nose Goes' at the same time. Jeff picks up the die.)

Jeff: Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

Abed: Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

Jeff: Of course I am, Abed.

(Jeff throws the die. It sails through the void and comes back down through the center, re-entering the Prime Timeline. Abed catches the die before it hits the table.)

Abed: I don't think you should. Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless, raging sea of randomness. Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it together on the raft of life, held together by those few, rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.

Britta: Ropes? Vines. Vines? Let him finish!

Abed: Us. It won't matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting each other's flaws and virtues. Annie will always be driven, Shirley will always be giving, Pierce will never apologize, Britta's sort of a wild card from my perspective, and Jeff will forever remain a conniving son of a bitch.

Shirley: Abed!

Abed: There are six sides to this die and seven of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.

(Jeff chuckles.)

Annie: Jeff! You crafty jackrabbit.

Troy: Really? Dang, man.

Pierce: It's called friendship. Look it up. Encarta it.

Troy: I think we just found our pizza-getter.

Shirley: Yes, Jeffrey.

Annie: We did.

(Britta plays 'Roxanne' as Jeff stands up.)

Jeff: Oh, like it matters who goes.

(Jeff hits his head on the ceiling fan. Everyone laughs.)

Jeff: What's so funny?

Annie: Karma.

(Jeff leaves.)

Troy: That guy sucks harder than the toilet in an airplane bathroom.

Pierce: Airplane bathroom...

Shirley: Oh, my pies!

(Shirley gets up to head to the kitchen.)

Britta (singing): Roxanne!

Shirley: Oh!

Britta and Shirley (singing): You don't have to put on the red light!

(Britta stands up to dance with Shirley.)

Britta and Shirley (singing): Those days are over-

(Annie stands up and joins in.)

Britta, Shirley, and Annie (singing): You don't have to sell your body to the night!

Shirley: Sing, girls!

Annie: I really love your place!

Abed: You should move here.

(Annie thinks it over as the girls continue to dance. Pierce throws out his "gift".)

Shirley: Come on, Troy.

(Troy and Abed stand up and join the dance. Jeff enters with the pizza.)

All (singing): Roxanne! You don't have to put on the red light.

Jeff: You guys see what happens when I leave you alone, huh?

(Jeff smiles and sets the pizza down.)

All (singing): Put on the red light! Put on the red light!

Shirley: Go, Troy!

(Troy is killing it. Jeff eats pizza in the corner, content to watch.)

All (singing): Put on the red light! Put on the red light!

End tag[]

Creating the goatees   

Summary: In the Darkest Timeline, we see Evil Abed attempt to recruit the group the dark side.

Scenes:

[[#{{{act}}}, Scene 1|1]]

Script

(In the Darkest Timeline, the group is seated around the table, dressed in black. Evil Shirley drinks out of a paper bag.)

Evil Shirley: To Pierce. May he rest in Pierce.

(She laughs and pours some of her drink onto Pierce's empty chair. We see Evil Abed cutting goatees out of felt and Evil Britta, who has a blue streak dyed in her hair.)

Evil Britta: Shirley, don't you think you've had enough?

Evil Shirley: Of you.

(Evil Britta gasps.)

Evil Abed: Guys, I've been thinking about that night over and over. One thing has become clear. This is the darkest, most terrible timeline.

Evil Britta: Enough with the timeline crap, Abed! Pierce got shot in the leg and died. Shirley's a drunk, Annie's locked in a mental ward because her guilt drove her insane, Jeff lost an arm in the fire-

(Evil Jeff gestures to his missing right arm.)

Evil Britta: Troy lost his larynx because for some dumb reason, he tried to destroy a flaming troll doll by eating it.

(Evil Troy speaks through a vocoder.)

Evil Troy: Clearly you don't understand anything about defeating trolls.

Evil Britta: Life has gone to hell, Abed! This is real! Look at us, look at me!

Evil Jeff: Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair, and I lost an arm.

Evil Britta: Exactly. Life got dark.

Evil Abed: All because Jeff rolled a one.

Evil Jeff: Oh, I love how this is my fault somehow.

Evil Abed: It's mine. I've run through that night over and over in my head, and I keep coming back to one thought: I should've caught the die and not let you roll it. I failed to do that, and we all suffered for it. But I'm gonna make it up to you.

(Evil Abed distributes felt goatees to the Evil Study Group.)

Evil Jeff: What is this?

Evil Abed: Out of all the timelines, this is clearly the darkest. Why is why I propose we commit to being evil. I've made us all black goatees out of felt, I suggest you put them on until you're able to grow your own.

(Evil Abed puts on his goatee. Evil Shirley puts hers over her bottle.)

Evil Abed: From now on, I am Evil Abed. We are the evil study group, and we have but one evil goal: return somehow to the Prime Timeline, the one where I stopped you from rolling that die, then we destroy the good versions of ourselves and reclaim our proper lives.

Evil Jeff: Evil Abed, as Evil Jeff, am I allowed to pull fewer punches with you?

Evil Abed: Certainly.

Evil Jeff: I hate you! Shut up with your sci-fi crap! I lost my damn arm, and you're making fake beards!

(Evil Jeff storms out of the study room.)

Evil Abed: Goatees.

(Evil Britta and Evil Shirley leave. Evil Troy takes a goatee and puts it on.)

Evil Troy and Evil Abed (singing): Evil Troy and Evil Abed!

(They do their handshake. We shift back to the Prime Timeline, where Troy and Abed are watching Inspector Spacetime and eating popcorn in their pajamas. Abed suddenly looks around, disturbed.)

Troy: What's wrong?

Abed: I don't know. I guess nothing.

(They settle back into their chairs.)

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